You are the beautiful half of a golden hurt- Gwendolyn Brooks

https://youtu.be/KpMksju6njo

At 5:30 in the morning I find myself searching frantically for a video. Zaynah sent me a clip of it a couple of days ago and I haven’t been able to get it out of my mind. The content is filled with gems and transparency gifted to us by the lovely Viola Davis. Of course she is conversing with everyone’s favorite Aunt...Oprah. Alas I find it and hurriedly copy the link for y'all and save to my watch list on YouTube. Now yall have it! Watch first then read.

“Learning To Receive Love.” Wow what a powerful statement that resonates so deep. Prior to this, I didn’t define my nonchalant negative attitude as me having issues receiving love. It enlightened me to hear Viola say it too was a struggle. Their conversation transformed into a lemon squeeze convo for girls only. I literally felt like I needed to pop some popcorn and have a glass of wine. If you are like me, you have watched it multiple times and are now reflecting on your own decisions.

So here goes...I agree with everything Viola said. As a Black Woman, I find it so hard to believe and receive love when it’s not from my parents, siblings, or close friends. Im not a skeptic or cynical person. I’m actually a hopeless romantic, however the Universe has dealt me some very hard cards to play. This is no woe is me moment. It’s just life. The first thing that comes to my mind when a Man is super nice to me isn‘t relief and swoon. It’s worry and agitation. Due to being hurt and disappointed, I automatically think the person has an alternative motive. Sometimes they do but sometimes they don’t. How does one decipher the difference? Zaynah asked a good question the other day...How we gone find love if we don’t try?

Being vulnerable is a major part of receiving love. Scary at first but so damn comfortable. Who really wants to carry around a sword and have their heart behind a iron wall all their life? It’s protection...we are at war. I would love to follow a Man I admire and trust. But unrequited love is what I’ve gotten. Even when I’m at my highest level of confidence, the wrong actions can break me. Does this make me weak...Hell no it makes me human.

In one relationship, I was told I had too much going for myself. He felt like he couldn’t live up to my expectations and desires. How the hell does me receiving 2 degrees and traveling count as a strike? Obviously he just wasn’t the one for me. Then there’s another relationship where I showed soo much love, attention, and affection. I followed and supported this Man and held on to every idea and dream he had. Plus there was baggage...but I looked past it. It ended in nothing. Literally found someone else, whom I guess had sweeter words but less ambition than I. Hey I’m not being an asshole BUT I know my damn worth. There are times when said person goes down memory lane, comparing his life to what could have been with me and just says damn. Yea homeboy your loss.

In another relationship I felt as though their career was more important than me. I felt silenced with the next person but somehow convinced myself that he was more brilliant than I in order to keep him. Ahhhhhhh a train wreck. All these experiences and bad ass decisions contribute to why I can’t receive love when it’s pure. How can I expect someone to be emotionally there for me when I’ve had to mend my broken heart alone. Watch a man marry someone else after he swears he will never get married!?!?! It is truly a risk and a gamble.

That’s what life is at the end of the day. Manifesting shit you want out into the Universe, while crossing your fingers and toes with hope that it’s gonna come to you. We aren’t alone in this struggle lol. You can always find a fellow Woman who will say they are dealing with the same shit. Just recently I met a really nice guy. My reluctant nonchalant attitude stood no match for his pursuing efforts so he’s still in the picture. Going forward, with the help of my friends, I’m gonna keep a few things in mind. I’m gonna be transparent at all times about my previous hurt, advocate instantly when something doesn’t feel right, open my heart to new experiences, and communicate like my life depends on it. Is there a possibility I will get hurt...Fuck Yea...BUT at least I can say that I Received Love.