Girls need love too.....

It has been a minute since I've touched keys to spill words on this blog...but like everyone else I now have time. Initially when you saw those 4 words, you probably started singing the song. Sorry but this post has a whole different meaning.

A couple of months ago I was listening to one of my favorite podcasts "Passing Through". In the episode Nneka Julia invited Tassika to share her story about her childhood trauma and how it altered relationships that she had in adulthood. Yall I was shook! That story hit home for me on so many levels. She talked about how she would go to her father's house which he shared with his significant other and her kids. When she would leave, her "stepmother" would make sure that everything she came with would be packed and ready for her to take when she went home. The fact that her father allowed it really hurt her because she felt as though he didn't make room for her in his home. She knew he loved her, but he never went the extra mile to make room for her in his life.

That's some heavy shit for a young girl and woman to have to carry around. As I listened intensely, I noticed that tears were streaming down my face. What the hell was I crying for? Then it clicked....I too am she. Perhaps we all are. I believe I have a certain scenario in my life. I have a missing Father and a present Dad. Let me explain....

My biological father is an addict. I won't get too deep into what his addiction is, but I can assure you it has taken over his life. He has battled with this addiction all of my life and because of it, we can't have a traditional relationship. I don't know if I'm more mad at the fact that he's an addict or that he didn't choose me. I told myself for years that it didn't affect me, but in reality it does. It affects me in positive and negative ways. It motivates me to do amazing things with my life, to take everything that the Universe offers. For the longest I thought that if I accomplished amazing things, he would want to choose me over the addictions. Unfortunately I never won. I'm not saying I have daddy issues, but girls need love too. There have been moments when I watch movies and see how fathers cling to and fight for their children. Jack Pearson alone will make a fatherless girl realize the magic that is missing from her life. Ughhh the way he interacts with his children leaves me in tears each episode. So I watch, cringe, and cry inside hoping that my future husband possess those qualities as a father in the future for our children.

I've spent many nights with close friends venting and crying over the void felt by a missing father. Missing out on pet names, being told we are beautiful just the way we are, showing up every time even when it hurts, and making room for us in their life. That void is felt immensely...not just by boys. Some girls do have a "father" in their home, but lack a relationship. It's like you are mourning a role that was supposed to be there. Hearing those stories break my heart because your first protector has no interest in getting to know you.

Now on to the next part of the phrase...present Dad. I have an amazing Dad in my life. My sister's father is the epitome of what fatherhood entails. My Dad makes sure that we are loved and protected. He shows up when we call, even when it counts as a strike against him. He offers advice and has been present at every major and minor moment in our lives. He didn't have to step up for me, but chose me and has made room for me in every aspect possible. I'm lucky for this second chance, as many don't have the opportunity. I would be lying if I said that the void is completely filled, but it's no longer painful. Perhaps 10 years from now...my Father will choose me and we can start afresh. I won't hold my breath on it...and if you have the same situation, neither should you!