One I wished I never played Oh what a mess we made And now the final frame Love is a losing game

Ahhhhhh tonight I indulged in my normal self care routine of taking myself on a solo date to the movies. Of course I went to see The Photograph. Personally I loved it, but I’m not here to review the movie. I do want to talk about love. With Valentine’s Day over, I think the sweetness of the day has mellowed down and we are now able to see that relationships and love require work. Im using this picture because this Woman reminds me of the dynamics of life and love. So the thought I’m having is....Is love a losing game?

When I say game, I’m not leaning towards anyone playing with feelings. Its scary as shit merging two lives together. The day to day process will eventually feel like a game you’re playing. Like the lottery. What numbers will be called for the winner? What numbers make you feel like a loser? Ughhh so stressful. So my cousin and I were talking about how we take past hurts into relationships disguised as “lessons” we learned but don’t want to repeat. My question to her was, Why do we take these lessons into something new? Why not a clean slate?

She of course responded that there is never a clean slate. So thats what bothers me. I have been in a relationship where the person chose his career over me. Where I didn’t have a voice. Where I felt I wasn’t truly liked, but just tolerated. Of course I learned some lessons from that shit. So boom, did a little healing and I’m ready to move forward. I meet someone new and but went into it so guarded by the past hurt. I felt like I was over doing things. Because I was silenced before, I began advocating left and right. Because I was put 2nd, I wasn’t giving the person any opportunities to have to choose. Big fucking problem!!!! I was clearly in this by myself.

How did I know that the new guy would be like the old? I was automatically assuming that he was gonna do me wrong by throwing my lessons on the table every chance that I got. Problem solved...clean the damn slate. Honestly the shit was making me crazy. So this is where faith comes in. I’m hoping that lessons won’t have to be repeated. I think, like in the movie, trends are created in the form of lessons and we justify it by acting out first and thinking later. Our response is, well it happened before.

However that’s not what love is. It’s not what a relationship is. I’ve become a firm believer that there is beauty in two broken people who have come together. I tell my sweetheart that’s it’s grace. That our past hurts will give us insight but we have to approach each other with grace. Is it peaceful all the time? No!!!!!!!!!! We have triggers. We pull them. It hurts. We address it right then and there. We find common ground and when that doesn’t work, we give each other space. Will we have a happily ever after...I don’t know. I do know that love is a big gamble but worth it. It has its highs and lows. It is definitely however NOT a losing game....