When you say YES to others, make sure you are not saying NO to yourself.- Paolo Coehlo

I came across this piece during my most recent visit to the Art Museum. The artist, Charles L. Sallee Jr named it "Bedtime." It happens to be his most famous painting and I thought it would be perfect for my next topic. She is Me. She is Us. She is a Woman who at the end of a hectic day, gets ready for bed while reflecting on all of her actions that took place throughout her day. I have been doing it since I could remember, thoughts meandering the many times I compromised myself for the betterment of someone or something else. Yes I WAS a big People Pleaser with so much ignorance regarding self worth. I didn't become this person overnight and I damn sure didn't stop instantly.

I'm a talker and a nurturer by nature. I learned early on how to use my words to get me out of trouble, to help others feel better, to express myself, and to connect with those who aren't like me. Some would suggest it as a weakness or ass kisser. The idea is subjective. All I know is that I didn't want to be the bad person. The villain in the situation that everyone pointed to as the reason shit didn't work out. Starting off in school, I had to be everyone's friend, showing my loyalty by saying yes to shit that I didn't even agree with. Somewhere I lost my voice and just went with the flow. On paper I looked popular, I mean I do have a great personality and lots to bring to the table, but in actuality was I really being myself?

Then we have the dating scene. Not divulging all of my secrets, but I may have kissed a guy or two without really having a desire to be kissed. Or allowing a guy to claim me as his girlfriend, but not really being interested in him, but wanting to be wanted. Ughhhhhh why was I dealing with such heavy shit like this at such a young age????? I've noticed, as a female, the connotation of being a No Girl doesn't get you far. If you constantly tell your friends No, I'm pretty sure your circle will get smaller. Yes attracts people. It shows that you are inviting and accepting but No...honey...shit has such a negative impact even in the lightest situation. Tell your homegirl she can't come over and she'll tell the whole crew you think you're better than them or you're acting funny. Tell a guy No to his offer of a date, and you're a Boujee Bitch. It sticks with you all through life rearing its ugly ass head into adulthood.

Shits sad. My Bestfriend Javonne actually prompted this topic because one of our convos consisted of how women have an inability to say No. For instance someone will go to a funeral of a friend of a friend of a friend due to feeling obligated, even though they are mad tired from a long ass day of work and dealing with their own kids. Child Bye!!!! Honestly you don't owe nobody shit! I personally stayed in a relationship with a complete asshole saying Yes to his idiotic shit only for the sake of saying I have a man. On the job, I have agreed to some projects or activities that I didn't want to do because I was guilted into it by not wanting to let students and staff down. In a friendship I have felt inclined to help someone because they made it unbearable and uncomfortable for me to say No. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh I literally couldn't take it no more and when I turned 33 I decided it was my year of No.

The first time I uttered the words, I felt like I was speaking a new language. It felt invigorating. It was something so simple, but the sternness and ferocity in my face blew us both away. I couldn't tell you what the hell I was saying No to, but I will tell you that I meant it. After that I was on a roll. I was saying No to unequal friendships. Favors requested by me. Lesson plans that had nothing to do with me. After school activities that stressed me. Family ties that hurt me. Phone calls that pissed me off...de-fucking-clined. My biological father and his crazy ass antics. Late night phone calls/meetups leading to disappointments. Annoying situations and places that I weren't really interested in. And finally a job that I love, but a situation that stressed me the fuck out. I said NO to teaching for the 2019/2020 school year.

All these No's turned into an internal Yes for me. I was like Yes s'Aisa you are worthy of your time. You are worthy of peace and happiness. You are worthy of real love. You are worthy of people NOT folding on you. You are worthy of a positive work environment. You are capable and important enough to advocate for yourself and say No. Like I said, it wasn't learned in a day. For sure I had been taking mental notes from my friends and family who are experts in the art of saying Fuck No! I also realized that saying No doesn't make you the damn devil, nor does it act as a total picture of your character. If and when you say NO, and someone totally writes you off...they weren't meant to be in your life anyway. Saying No is Self Care. There is no massage, facial, pedicure, manicure, trip, shopping spree, yoga, or art class that can save you from whats internal. Saying No is step one and the only true golden rule.

Now that I am done ranting, because honey I can go on and on with this for days, I would like to leave you with some tips to keep in mind. Little suggestions that give insight on how to say No. Of course you can look up lots of ideas on Pinterest. That's essentially how I became an expert at it lol. So here goes:

1. Always be clear of your vision so you can know what to say Yes and No to.

2. Know the consequences of saying Yes. Does it have other effects?

3. Remember that saying No is okay!

4. Say No however you feel comfortable doing it. You can do it via text, social media, face to face, email...etc.

5. Be simple with it, you don't have to give an explanation.

6. Be respectful...don't say No and then try to fight.

7. Make yourself less accessible after if it makes you uncomfortable.

8. Practice if you need to, write out the pros and cons.

9. Delay if you need to... time is everything and it's yours.

10. Sometimes no reply after the No is ok. Your choice. You matter.

Now.....may your NOs impact you positively and may you begin to say YES to yourself.