See how the universe works? It takes my hurt and help me find more of myself It’s a gift and a curse

Anything that Uncle HOV says is Gold....no need to explain. Last year, on January 1st in beautiful Paris I declared 2019 to be my year of “Fuck It.” Little did I know that it would actually be a year of Fuck Ups! Today I read an amazing article sent to me by my Bestfriend Javonne. Ohhhhh what a beauty it was. In it, the author describes the thought process of his New Year resolution or vision writing. He’d done a lot of reflecting and revision and the piece ultimately screamed out FREEDOM. Freedom to do whatever the fuck you wanted to do whether it’s positive or negative.

Travel Bae reminded me that the only Fuck It thing I accomplished this year was Quitting my job. Hell that enough took me out. She also reminded me, after I responded with a solemn (I Failed!) that I did however learn a lot of lessons. So now I’m thinking. Maybe my Fuck Ups have taught me more than comfortability and management could ever have. Let’s reflect....

I’m broke until I go back to work in August! Lol. I went from a salary job to subbing sometimes and a side hustle. The stress is real. I don’t have health insurance at the moment and haven’t gone shopping in forever. However I’m not entirely unhappy. With this newfound time I’m able to check out other school districts and collaborate with other Educators. My side hustle allows me the flexibility to pick up shifts when needed and give back to those who need assistance. All in all I still get to talk to my hearts content but on my terms. When I want to work, I go. When my mood is bad, I stay home. Isn’t that what I wanted in this sabbatical? To have an option to go or stay? Yesssss. This freedom isn’t free or for the faint of heart. Lack of income meant I have to rely on my parents and friends for support. And at first that idea was daunting, but it showed me that I am truly provided for. Trust me I put myself in a real ditch and had those I love come to my rescue.

The next Fuck Up would be cutting off relationships that didn’t help me. This one is tricky. You’re sitting at the end of a road perplexed between the idea of consistency versus longevity. Let me be the first to say that just because someone has been in your life forever does not warrant them a seat at your table. I thought I was being a cocky bitch to suggest that I had outgrown a friendship. But it’s not about cockiness. Does that person hurt me more than help me? And I say help but not in a tangible sense. Is the person there to pick up your broken pieces? If the answer is no, why should they even be in the room when you break apart? Let it go....love them from afar. Send them love and light whenever you think of them and live peacefully. It’s an adjustment that will take years, but it’s possible. So yes I chose me...when I knew they wouldn’t.

The next Fuck Up would be not knowing what’s next immediately. Do you know how many times I get asked what my plan is!!! Shit I just want to respond with “Hell its a surprise for me too!” I haven’t decided if I’m returning to Georgia, moving back overseas, staying in Cleveland, or joining the Circus! At first I called myself a looser because this is totally out of character for me. I’m a planner and have made amazing responsible decisions throughout my whole life. It took me into a deep depression and I started to doubt myself. But God and my parents reminded me that I’m allotted a moment to just not know. And I sat with that and received that feeling. Isn’t that what blind faith is? When I make plans, the Universe puts a spin on it and God laughs. So not making plans has lifted so much pressure. I’m not trying to stay in this mode forever, but must admit that it feels good now. Who the hell told us that we should know all the answers anyway?

So this is what I’m going to do with my Fuck It/ Fuck Up season lol. I’m going to stare into space whenever I want. I’m going to stay up all night reading blogs and watching vlogs that interest me. I’m going to sub when I want to and not worry or stress about the work I have to do when I get there. When I sub I’m gonna give each child a whole hearted smile because I chose to be there instead of being required to show up. I’m gonna do my side hustle on the days I feel like being bothered, stopping often to talk to customers. I’m gonna continue to be guided by Zaynah, Maya, Javonne and Sylvester on this journey of a sabbatical. I’m gonna hang out with Family and Friends that I pick because their love is the source of my energy. I’m gonna make a way out of no way and live my best life in Bali celebrating with my loves. I’m gonna smile at the cute guy that constantly keeps my attention and I’m gonna remind my parents daily that I’m only irresponsible for this academic year, but love me because I’m here. Most importantly I’m gonna feel every feeling whether it’s positive or negative and express how it effects me. I want you to think about how you can change your Fuck Ups to Fuck It....